I love writing. I start most of my days writing. Sometimes it’s just short sentences on my journal. Sometimes it’s whole paragraphs about exoteric stuff I’m into at that moment.
The purpose of writing, to me, has always been quite implicitly clear: it’s the best way to get to know myself. Language shapes so many of the constraints of our identity, and being able to “debug” that on paper is magical.
It’s no wonder then that most of my posts on this blog follow more of a stream of consciousness format. For a long time, this blog has served the purpose of being almost a diary. Open to an audience, because I thrive on feedback, but nonetheless focused on what’s useful in my own process of self-discovery.
As this process got deeper, and as I started to engage a lot of my own ”story lines” in therapy (and not, you know, on every public internet forum I could find), writing here has lost meaning. This has happened before.
And it will keep happening, as long as I keep this lenses, that this blog is a kind of diary where I’m supposed to show my rawest self.
Yet, there’s something magic surrounding writing about the “behind the scenes“. I know that as a kid that’s definitely why I got interested in following people on the internet. Reading their blogs introduced me to the complexity of other human consciousness, and of life itself. It allowed me to study their ways of thinking, and steal for myself what was useful. So there is a balance to be struck here.
I don’t know where I want to take this blog. I don’t know where I want to take my writing. But something compels me once again to just share.
I’ve been doing a lot of interesting stuff: attempting to learn more about music, photography. I’ve been getting better at coding and engineering problems. My holy trinity (sleep, nutrition, exercise) is always being iterated upon. And in all of that, my very real human struggles with consistency and self-confidence are ever present. So there’s material, but what do I want to do with this material?
I think I want this blog going forward to be less about me and more about the things I do, and how I do them. My Obsidian vault can hold my psychoanalytical profile, but on here, I’d like to post my art, projects, experiments, and document as they evolve (or not).
At the same time, there’s the question of doing so under a pseudonym, or under my own name/identity. Being raised on the internet has made me painfully aware of opsec risks.
The fact I feel constrained on what might be appropriate to approach here might seem silly, but these kinds of blockers fall into the unconscious and just stay there blocking creative energy. There’s a reason why people use pseudonyms in writing, in music, in anything really, but I’ve always been too much self-obsessed to give it a try. Perhaps I should.
In the meantime, what could I share here that could be interesting? Perhaps how-to blogposts about flag theory and immigration, or Ruby/Rails tutorials, or my journey as I learn what music is and how to make it, etc, etc.
I’ll figure something, or I’ll see this same editor in a couple of months to write another stream-of-consciousness entry. Either way, I’m okay in letting this space be whatever I need it to be.
There’s no audience looking, I am the audience. So perhaps I should try my best to amuse myself.