My analyst tells me I avoid connection. I’m unsure if that’s the case, but my life has followed a pattern of hermit vs. social seasons.

The truth is that, at least for me, it takes a great deal to feel safe when connecting to strangers. Even with friends, I constantly catch myself trying to measure how useful or valuable I am to them, as if any connection created is dependent on that.

I rationally know that’s crazy, but I don’t “feel” safe. And that dictates everything.

This one-way transactional mindset (one-way because I usually don’t expect utility from my friends—or anything beyond, you know, them just being my friends) breeds unsafety. It turns meeting strangers into a contest of my own worth, and those contests can never be won.

The healthy alternative is to instead, you know, just vibe with people you like, not ask too many questions, and be present in the fact we’re social animals. Just exist, be present, be weird around others, yada yada. This is easier said than done.

At 24 years old, I really didn’t expect so little time on this planet would be enough to create some deeply dysfunctional patterns in my brain. Yet — forgive me if I get all Jungian for a second, these shadows, these unconscious cogs turning inside my head, will direct my life if not named, exposed, and most importantly, acted upon.

I’m far from unique in this aspect. I’m part of a whole generation raised on the internet who really hasn’t fully learned how to have natural and healthy human connection. Everything is porn and everyone seems to be caught up in parasocial relationships, in one way or another. Where is this going to lead us? I feel like, if left unchecked, to a world with less humanity.

I’ve been away from social media for a while now. First, it was Twitter, when it was still called Twitter. Then, I slowly got off Instagram too. And this week, I deleted Tinder.

A part of me wonders if that’s an unconscious push for isolation. The truth is, I think these platforms have just been preying on my complexes for engagement. It isn’t personal, it’s just what they do. But no more, I need to get my fix of socializing from somewhere else. And if I’m to find romance, may it be natural, in its own time, and rooted in friendship first, not in curated presentations of an angle of me that’s not me, completely.

With this realization, there’s a reckoning: this is kind-of incompatible with my nomad life. Moving around so much, always reseting my social circle, rooted on this feeling that the grass might be greener somewhere else, kills any seeds that could become real connections, and feeds this immediatist machine that’s always whispering you’re one scroll, one swipe, one flight away from friendship, love, connection.

At the same time, this brings opportunity: who else had this realization? Where are conscious humans congregating, what sorts of communities are out there? I can just go there!

The answers are of course vast, but being this creature that’s always wondering if the grass is greener somewhere else, I can’t see myself making commitments, not right now anyway.

Real communities offers us safety, but that requires investing our time and energy, and really committing for the long-haul, if we’re to offer that safety to others (and in the end, to ourselves).

After three months on the road however, I’m keen to go back to community, friends, in whatever shape that takes. I’m close to accepting the grass for what it is, and not what it could be.

So, I’ll put this intention out there: may 2025 be a year of more community, more friends, more strangers met, more real human interactions, positive or negative. May I allow myself to just be, instead of pulling out a ruler every other moment to measure my worth, and may I heal from an upbringing that taught me otherwise.

We all deserve connection, and we all need one another. The world wouldn’t be in such a state if we hadn’t forgotten such a basic thing.